Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Potty Training Season




Another thing I can add to the list of things I never thought I'd do...sitting on the floor with my legs straddled around the toilet base cheering on children to pee and/or poo in exchange for M&M's.

I would describe myself as somewhat of a prim and proper type when it comes to personal space and hygenic habits.  I am not one to use the bathroom facilities with the door open, or walk around the gym locker room half dressed.  So it is a strange sensation to be sitting with another human being, albeit a small one, and be so up close and personal. 

This is different than changing diapers, this is probably the final big thing I need to teach the kids before they are pretty much self sufficient.
1. They can feed themselves; like a monkey does, but the nutrition does make it's intended destination.
2.  They can clean themselves, if you don't take into consideration the large amounts of soap vs. the amount  of water and rinse time ratio.
3.They can make their needs known verbally; you won't see them hosting any tv. shows soon, but if you get them to repeat and point enough and use some basic charades mannerisims, communication is achievable.

The ability to listen to their bodie's need to excrete toxins is the final frontier in being a fairly well rounded individual.  Sure they will be a diamond in the rough, but once you can manage to not soil yourself in a public setting, the world's doors suddenly open up to you.

They can gain entrance to the best pre-schools, travel suddenly becomes do-able because diapers are a thing of the past.  Friends without children will offer invitations for you to come over now that the chance of accidents on thier antique furniture has gone down dramatically.  Relatives you haven't heard from since the infant days are now willing to take the kids for an afternoon or even overnight.

This is the missing piece of the puzzle, this is when you really graduate and get your "humanity card", when you can control your bladder and bowels, you can control the world.

It will be one of the most important gifts I will present to them, one they will use late into their adult lives, until they get old and the circle of life completes itself with the need for Depends. 

Yes it is a dirty job, yes it tests my privacy boundries, and yet I do it with the pride that comes from knowing I will be releasing a respectable human being into the world and they will not make doo-doo where they should not. 

The next time you are out in public and surrounded by people who are managing their bodily functions, you need to send up a little prayer of recognition, gratitude and appreciation, because somewhere there was a parent who spent many a day on the cold hard floor of  life teaching their charges how and where to leave the "remains of the day" and that makes life a little bit nicer for everyone, everywhere.

You are most welcome.

Valerie

4 comments:

Christie said...

I am most welcome and you are most hilarious!

I miss you!!

xoxo


P.S. Can you come over and teach Quint? Just wonderin'.

Debra said...

Precious post!

Dita said...

I find myself doing much of the same over here. We're going to start a reality show called Potty Tawk.

It's so funny to hear myself cheering her on but secretly knowing that I am more excited about not spending $42 on a box of Pampers every time I turn around.

I actually took a photo on my phone of her first "solid" attempt all by herself the other day. I texted it to her father and my mother. It sits on my phone next to the family pictures.

I'm not proud of that but its true.

I never quite looked at it as you explained it...with your wicked humor...but now I have renewed vigor when I'm crowded in there with her for what often seems like an eternity.

Perhaps I should get a MAGAZINE rack in there like SOME people I know. Girl, you have more mags than my doctor does in his waiting room!

Eloise said...

Bless your heart, Valerie! I'm definitely from the same school of decorum as you. I hope things are proceeding well and that this training is almost over and done!