Friday, March 5, 2010

Acknowledgement Of Birth

This is an acknowledgement of your birth.  It does not come with love nor respect as it should have and could have; as you never worked for or desired either. Your birth is acknowledged as a way to affirm that you were here and I am witness and one of many victims to that truth.

I review your life's work and see a course that was charted and sailed and in it's careless wake, left behind wounded and changed individuals. When you vow to love another human being and then create new life with them that is a sacred and cherished responsibility. You shirked that obligation with 4 women and 6 children.

The fact that you treated the women in your life so callously and disposed of them like a snake sheds their skin, without thought or directive, but simply because it was time and you grew out of their usefullness to you is the first layer in your coat of shame.

It is the children, the six individuals you sired and abandoned at will when you deemed it time to move on that I am speaking for today.  To not be acknowledged or recognized is one of the harshest acts you can inflict upon another human being - but to do this to your own child is akin to any verbal or physical abuse you could unleash onto them; to not deem a person worthy of taking up the space of a single thought in your mind while years unwind and you go on living in your bloated bubble of self absorbtion is inconceivable to me.

I remember the day like it was this morn; we all gathered in the kitchen and she said "Your father is going away for a very long time; give him a hug and a kiss goodbye."  The pain was searing and immediate, filling my body from the ground to my head, like hot lava rising up to see sky above.  There were questions, and pleas, and 3 clinging children needing to know why, desparate for answers that were not to be had from any adult in the room.  You seemed quite resigned and solid in this last act, there were no tears or words of softness to dull the ache, just biding your time to re-chart the course.

I came home from school thinking this was not the truth, you would be there and all would be restored to normal.  I sat on the floor by the screen door, crying your title over and over, willing "Daddy" to come home.  When she could stand it no more, she walked up behind me and with hate in her heart and poison on her tounge she icily stated "You can stop your crying; he is never coming back.".  She did not lie.

Your collateral damage was human in nature and you left a stain upon each of us that altered our individual destinies.  I see it from a child's perspective and now from a parent's, both views can not comprehend how one person could make the same choices with the same results repeatedly and not feel any remorse whatsoever.

I didn't have my children a week's time in my possession before I knew in my deepest fiber of self awareness that I would do anything for their safekeeping and well being; yet you left children from ages 4 - 13 during your lifetime with the obligation one reserves for a spec of dirt on your coat; something to be flicked away and never seen again.

It is my hope and prayer that justice is served in the next phase of our journey.  In my mind, a person who never sought or asked forgiveness to those they wronged on this earth will be in a holding status; not permitted to move forward until you right the wrongs of those you trespassed upon in his lifetime. In my mind you will validate the people you damaged. 

At this time I do not forgive you, but I choose to be unlike you in everyway.  I learned my lesson well and unlike you, I will acknowledge your existance, and in that act I hold you accountable for what you have done. 

And so you were born.


Christie said...

I don't even know what to say...

How about "let's talk about this tonight"

WOW. Amazing V...I was shredded reading about you sitting by the screen vivid and heartbreaking.

I love you

Wanda said...

Oh heart breaks for you now and for that little girl who never deserved such treatment. Of course, no one does.

Despite this beginning - you have turned this legacy around and have sprinkled seeds into a harsh soil and beautiful flowers now bloom.

Valerie, I hope you find peace within yourself - for the one who has suffered the most is you and that's not right.

Sending you a big hug, lovely lady!


Dita said...

If I told you I sat here reading this with chills running up and down my spine, would you believe me?
Of course you would.
If I told you that I can taste the hurt, the desperation, the anger, the fear, the loss, the helplessness of that little girl there by the screen door...would you believe me?
Of course you would.
If I told you that in a moment through your incredibly powerful words I travelled with you these many, many years that brought you to today...feeling like a piece of something you didn't even WANT in your life was missing...would you believe me?
Of course you would.
So today, I tell you that WITH you, I acknowledge his birth because to deny it is to deny the existence of you.
He had the privilege of being your father however he was so devoid of humanity that he was unable or, worse, unwilling to partake in the beauty that that one spot...his spot...held in both your lives.
If I told you the loss was HIS...would you believe me?
Perhaps not, because the loss is so deep...but I tell you from experience...the loss is HIS and I ask, actually, beg you to believe me.
I, too, believe that his life will be in a holding pattern until he rights the wrongs...
However, my dear friend, I ask that YOURS not be because YOUR life is so incredibly special and blessed.
You have touched the lives of so many...those nestled in your arms tonight and those like me...far away but feeling the touch of your hand..and heart.
No, are nothing like him. He IS a speck of dust in the universe and you...YOU are a sparkling, shiny star...twinkling and drawing us all toward your light.

I wish I could hug in person today...but our day will come...just know that today and every day, my sweet Valerie.....I adore you.

Dita Darling

Debra said...

I believe all of us in the bloggy world feel the same as was written by Dita. She said it so eloquantely.
Bless you sweet Valerie. I'm so sorry this happened in your life.
You are good and you deserve good.
Many hugs

Half Gaelic, Half Garlic! said...

What an emotional post......

I cannot imagine the pain and anger you felt as you waited by the door calling his name only for him never to return. I am so sorry Valerie..... no one should have to endure what you and your siblings went through. I can't fathom someone being that heartless and never looking back to feel sorrow and regret.

I can totally understand your not forgiving, I cannot say that I would be able to either......but I am glad that you are everything that he was not!! You are an amazing lady and an incredible Mother! Yes, Miss Dita said it perfectly!!

Hugs to you,


shelley said...

I had one of those too. When he left the world (after a traumatic death)I felt the fight finally go out of me.

I am so sorry for the both of us....and our siblings

She Writes said...

Powerfully delivered. Comprehended by this reader on many levels. Wow!

Debra said...

I hope all is right with your world. It has been quite some time since you posted.
Are you okay?

Angie Muresan said...

This left me speechless. If I lived to be 120, I would still not understand the inhumanity of the world of men.

Anonymous said...

Beautifully written and agree with Dita. Somewhere I hope he is reading these words--but even more fervently hope that writing out your thoughts will help you overcome this pain. He did do one wonderful thing...and that is he brought you into the world. For that I will always be grateful.

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