From June 4: 17 Months & Counting

HELL-o....17 months LID; enough said.

Did you know it is possible to be stalked, infiltrated and abused whilst sitting in your own home? Tis true, as I am about to testify before you.

By now everyone should have heard about the Do Not Call list ,which I have signed up for on numerous occasions, because I keep getting those oh-so-annoying sales calls every hour of the day and night.

This is an instrument for which I personally pay for to use as I see fit to reach out and touch whomever I choose. I never intended for it to be used against me like some weapon of mass-marketing destruction to seek and destroy my peace and quiet.

The latest occurrence is the strangest yet. I have been getting calls up to 5 times a day where the caller ID will tell me "TOLL FREE NUMBER". Whenever I see that I usually A) Let it go B) Answer the phone saying "We don't accept sales calls at this number - then hang up" C) Answer and immediately hang up.

This tactic has served me well in the past, but this particular caller had their timing down to a science. They called not once, not twice, not three times but FOUR times during the season finale of LOST and American Idol. They called in the morning, they called at 10:30 at night, they called during dinner...you name the time and they called.

So here I am immersed, in the suspense that IS the season finale, when my phone rings the mandatory 4 times before the answering machine picks up; then I have to hear my own lovely voice instructing people how to use an answering machine (MENTAL NOTE: It is 2007....if someone doesn't know how to leave a message by now they are probably a Moron and you really don't want to talk to them anyway; I will change my message soon); anyway, I hear my message and then the robo-caller doesn't detect the human voice it is programmed to seek and annoy and it hangs up...which is great except my machine takes a moment to detect that there is no message and then disconnects and has to record a dial tone for what seem like enough time to cook a 3 minute egg.

This sequence of events happened 4 times in 2 hours; this really takes you out of the moment of whatever it is you may be doing, TV is just the example I am presenting here...but use your imagination as to what other events could be disrupted by the electronic invader.

So having bought into the whole "patience is a virtue" philosophy; I put up with this for about 3 weeks when on a Monday morning at 7:00 it happens again! This time I am really pissed; I stay on the phone and am ready to scream at whoever idiot has been randomly assigned to assault me via the phone lines and the ultimate insult happens...the robo-dialer hangs up on ME!

What the frig???? Is this some kind of high tech phone pranking by wannabe hackers targeting me; or perhaps the universe re-paying me from my youthful days of calling up and asking liquor stores if they have Prince Edward in a can and to let him out are coming back to taunt me? I may have occasionally used the phone to have Mike Hunt; Harry Butts, and other nepharious characters paged at a restaurant, but that provided laughter on both ends in my imagination. I even remember calling boys just to hear their voices and hanging up on them after they said hello about 5 times (I was easily satisfied back then). Of course this was all before caller ID and we were all able to call in wonderful anonymity.

Now we can screen who we choose to talk to and avoid friend and foe as it suits us. This is part of the technological world we now live in that draws us closer to the electronics that surround us, but keeps us distant from our fellow human beings; admit it, you would rather shoot off a quick e-mail then actually talk for an hour on the phone.

Of course some people have attached their cell phones permanently to their heads like aliens walking amongst us and use the phones to stay in constant contact. I have heard couples fighting over the air waves, one lady in Target speaking very loudly about her recent gynecological exam and the gory details of that encounter; people in restaurants shouting over their meals while the rest of us forgo our dreams of a peaceful and quiet meal out. A side note here, the microphone in the phones today are excellent and can pick up your voice speaking in a soft whisper; STOP making the rest of us part of your conversation...we don't want to talk to our own family and friends and we really don't want to hear about your latest drama.

Anyway, back to the robo-stalker, they had my attention now, and I promptly called the number listed on the caller-ID. I could hear the phone connecting to some overseas line in a distant country and immediatley knew this wasn't going to go well. It went like this:

Man on phone: "Hullo, theese izz Sanjayyaaahhh Istanbull what izzz your umplyee nuuumber puhleeze?"

ME: What? Where am I calling?!

Sanjayyaaahhh Istanbull: "You are calling Qulmnop Company, what izz your umployee nuumber puhleeze?"

ME: "What? Are you asking for an employee number???"

Sanjayyaaahhh Istanbull: "Yes maam, puhleeze give me your umployee eye-dee nummber."

ME: "I don't have an employee ID number...you people keep calling me and hanging up at all hours of the day and night, during moments I will never get back....what do you want from ME?????

Sanjayyaaahhh Istanbull: "Oh, yes maam, there is a computer error and we are currently working on it.

ME: "How can there be a computer error from a company I don't work for calling me everyday and hagning up????"

Sanjayyaaahhh Istanbull: "I uunderstand maam, we are working on it right now".

ME: "Good, I'm glad you are working on it, what does this company do?"

Sanjayyaaahhh Istanbull: "I ahm not at leeburty to say maam?"

ME: "You aren't at liberty to say! You guys are calling me....all the time; you wake me up, you interrupt my dinner, my down time, and take up space on my answering machine....and you can't tell me who you are?"

Sanjayyaaahhh Istanbull: "I am very sorry maam, we are working on the problem right now".

ME: "OKAY then, as long as you are working on it; and Sanjayyaaahhh Istanbull; I better not get some outrageous charge on my phone bill by calling this "toll-free number".

Sanjayyaaahhh Istanbull: "No maam, Yes, maam, have a wuunderfull day".

I am waiting to see my next phone bill and the charge of $1, 475.23 for calling Liberia or India or some other distant land where these scams originate.

The only phone call I really want is the one from China saying come and get your baby. Until then - keep in touch - who knows I may actually want to talk to YOU!!!