Where Is The Love?

It has been 9 weeks since you started pre-school.  In those first few days, you would cry as we dropped you off, clinging to my neck or leg and pleading with me not to go.  When I would disengage myself from your chubby little hands and kiss that tear stained face for our final good-bye, I had to will the tears to keep from flowing out of my own eyes.  You would then immediately seek out your sister and two of you would cry and hold one another while we walked away.

This behavior went on for the first week and every Monday for an additional 2 weeks thereafter.

For a little over 2 weeks when I picked you up and would ask "What did you do today", you would report sadly "I cried" and "Sissie cry too".  My poor heart was cut with each admission of your sadness.

But the bright spot in all of those days was picking you up in the afternoon: I would eagerly walk towards your classroom to watch you both unobserved through the classroom window.  You were always with one another and so immersed in whatever task held your interest at that moment; but the second the door opened you would both swing your heads around with anticipation and scream Mommy/Daddy and come running to us with such enthusiasm the sad heart from the morning would sing with joy to be greeted with so much love.

Then there was yesterday.  We arrived at your classroom and opened the door, there were no tears, no regrets, neither of you looked back in our direction, but you, Lil Dude, you went running with open arms to your teacher and gave her a giant hug and Aubriana went to find a book.  I waved bye bye and blew you a kiss.  I gave a half hearted smile towards your teacher and wondered if she could feel the ice behind my stare?

I convinced myself, this was good, you were forming bonds with others and felt comfortable here. I looked forward to picking you up from school all day and when it was time, I went to the window to gaze at you both once again.  You were playing in different areas, no longer needing to be within each others grasp, completely engaged in your individual activities.  We opened the door, and Aubriana looked up and smiled and showed me her magnetic blocks.  Lil Dude never bothered to lift his head to even see who had entered the room; clearly, he wasn't expecting anybody.  I waited in the doorway for someone to notice me, I walked over to Aubriana and touched her blocks and hugged her shoulder.  I kissed her head and said "Hi princess"; Lil Dude was still oblivious to our prescence, so I said his name out loud and he turned and looked at me for a second and looked back at the toy in his hand.

Is it just naturally part of human nature to take those who love us and treat us better than any other people on the planet for granted?  My deepest sorrows come from people who were by birth or choice in my life because we loved one another.  Once we allow someone into our lives and to share our love with them we in exchange give them great power to wound us with that love.

To love a child is to commit to someone that is constantly in a state of change, they are different people from morning to nightfall.  Evolving before our very eyes at such a speed, it is hard to describe their personalitites and character traits from one week to the next. 

I never knew becoming a mother would involve so much sadness, disappointment and hurt feelings.  I have never loved anyone with this much loyalty and devotion, my expectations were it would be exchanged in a circle; but I am learning that my love flows out straight to my children and is non-stop in it's purposeful direction.  Their love ebbs and flows it's way back to me. When it washes over me, it lifts me up and bathes me in warmth, when the tide is low I selfishly want that feeling again. 

I often feel that being a mother is a greater learning experience for me than growing up is for my children.
Unfulfilled expectations are a direct route to disappointment.  I must teach and live that giving for giving's sake is a gift in and of itself.  If love comes full circle, than you have been twice blessed.

My apologies to Miss Sandra for the icey stare.