Yawn, stretch, scratch head.....has it really been that long since my last post? A new year is upon us and the last one is officially in the memory book.
I am personally glad to see 2011 go. It was a long, hard, non-productive year in many ways. It saw the continuation of my husband searching for work since the last quarter of 2010.
It saw us go through our entire savings and retirement account. It is humbling to know that we have nothing to fall back on; and at 60 years old, he will never be able to retire.
2011 will be the year remembered as the one that forced me to my knees and flung me into a depression the likes of which I have never experienced.
My reaction to my life crumbling around me was to seek refuge and safety within. I removed myself from almost everything, friends, family, society. I retreated to a dark and solitary place where it was just me and my thoughts and there were very few real thoughts at that.
Mostly, questions of why? What had I/we done to deserve this horrible position we have slowly been sinking into. Feeling persecuted because I had always lived a very "play it safe kind of life", I never pushed the boundaries and always tried to fly by under the radar. I don't drink, use drugs, break the law, challenge authority, and rarely question G*d (not aggressively anyway).
Why do bad things happen to good people? That has been my song...and yet they do, when you take the time to really look around, it is everywhere, I guess I just didn't take notice until I was one of those "chosen" people.
I entitled this post "Emergence" for that is what I feel is happening to me right now, I am emerging from a period of darkness and facing my current truth and finally trying to deal with it head on, and it wasn't until I started to question "why" in a serious manner that I understood my life was in a state of emergence"y". The "y/why" makes all the difference.
All of these months of introspection have given me some insights since life challenges enrich you with wisdom and strength.
When you are truly feeling alone and abandoned, and you are honest enough to share it with others, remarkable things begin to happen. You realize that you are not as alone as you pre-supposed. People you categorized as friends may or may not rise to the occasion to assist you and that is a revelation in itself.
The beautiful surprise is people you never expected to support you come to the forefront and with an extended hand, saying "let me help". People heretofore not thought of as anything but acquaintances, or even complete strangers, old friends not contacted for years...saying, "I remember you, how can I help?" Community programs, never given a second thought, suddenly becoming very important to you and your family.
I suppose I am a person who needs to experience things first hand to fully grasp them. I admit I am a glass half-full type of person; but to my credit, when the glass was finally empty, I am opening my eyes and realizing, that sometimes you need to experience the dark loneliness to better focus on the brighter horizon ahead.
We are in the middle of our fight to save the life we once had, I am not clear if it is salvageable at this point in time, we may never reclaim what was once ours.
I am trying to live in this moment and learn from this "life lesson", I'm sure there is a purpose to it, not yet clear to my limited vision. The whole picture is yet to come into perspective, but I am in the process of emerging from an emergency and when one does that, you need to be grateful for whatever you are able to salvage from those unfortunate events.
Happy New Year to everyone, and may good things eventually come to each of us, even if they travel through difficulty to arrive at our doorsteps.
