Lost In Time

The time we spend in childhood seems to drag on forever, we wish it away, even as we are squeezing every moment of joy from it.  "I want to be 5 and go to school, I want to be 10 and out of the single digits, I want to be a teenager" and on and on.

The time we spend in adulthood, zooms past us as if we are allotted only half as much as we once had, and this block of time is more delicate and not as easily spent in the essence of sheer joy, but more divided by various responsibilities and the management of this time allotment; never is this more true than when children enter your life.

My time is no longer my own, but merely a tool used to enhance their short visit through this wonderland called childhood, I am at peace with this,  I had many years to use my time as I saw fit and honestly, I didn't do that much with it when I had it all to myself;.but now that it is no longer truly mine to spend as I see fit, I am so grateful for the moments I do get to control and capture and spend once again in sheer joy.

Moments I want to remember:

Aubriana putting on a favorite dress, jumping on the bed in circles and announcing "I'm so happy!"

Lil Dude coming to my bed at 4:00 in the morning;  awake from some wrong turn in dream land, going from a sleepy baby to telling me the plots of at least 10 different movies and tv shows rapid fire. Than spontaneously breaking into his ABC song in the sweetest little boy voice I've ever heard. 

Seeing their faces at Disneyland.  I always said "I would never take children who were not potty trained or under 5 on an airplane or to an amusement park" ~ I was WRONG!  They are still talking about it almost a month later!

Aubriana, the first time she held my face in her hands and lookeddeep into my eyes, using the most genuine voice anyone has ever spoken to me in, whisper succintly,  "I Love You". As if she had just realized it for the first time herself.

Breaking every rule in the book on how to get your toddler to bed, by laying in bed with Lil Dude and as I am running my fingers on his back and he turns over and makes me stop so he can run his fingers along my face and tell me he doesn't ever want to leave me.

Spending an afternoon in a splash pool, pretending to be mermaids and squirting one another with squirt guns and teaching them to hold their breath under water.

Lil Dude and Aubriana beng chased by Daddy all over the mall play area and Mommy being the safe spot where you can get a tic tac and a drink of water.  Lil Dude whose hair is a mass of sweaty curls announces "my team is hot"  and "my team needs a break".

Playing air hockey and not keeping score.

Getting the ball to roll all the way to the end and even hit some pins.

Kissing your grandma and making her so happy.

My memory isn't what it used to be, and I'm not very good at snapping every moment with a camera.  I hope these random posts of words will trigger memories for me and my litte darlings to remind us all how much joy we tried to squeeze out of our time together.

Thank you for the time of my life.

Mommy

Gotcha Day x 2

Happy "Gotcha Day" Aubriana

I am stunned that it has been two years since you were placed into my arms and took your proper space in my heart which had a portion reserved just for you since my creation.

My love for you was planted before I ever saw your face or felt your soft skin against mine.  I always knew I wanted to mother a daughter, when the winding road to you was finally complete everything made sense to me.

As we celebrated this weekend, and went out to eat, you are now old enough to repeat Happy Gotcha Day!  You smiled as they handed you a special flower and sang a song in Italian just for you, you blew out the candle and made a wish; and suddenly I was overcome with... sadness.

Sadness for you, because for me, "Gotcha Day" was an amazing, wonderful, dream come true but for you it is not as positively charged. I realized that this window in your life, before you start to fully comprehend what it means to have a Gotcha Day, is quickly closing. 

The time will come when you understand in order to have a Gotcha Day there had to be an "abandonment day" and all that implies; and I know how devastating that will be for you to come to terms with.

As a parent, it is my duty to support my children through the good times and the bad; loving you is so natural and easy it just feels like it was always meant to be this way; but I know you will have questions of who were they, what if I had stayed, where are they now, why me...I don't have the answers to those questions, and probably never will, and for that I am sad and sorry.

This is what I "know":

"They" were people, who delivered a precious gift.

Without you, our family circle would not be complete.

I wish them peace and serentity in their decision, and gratitude for opening the doorway for me to reach you.

It simply had to be you, because my heart tells me so.

I'm so grateful everyday for the blessing of you and your brother.  In my selfish thoughts, I wouldn't have it any other way.  I hope that a lifetime of love and devotion to you will ease the burden of those questions and you will find happiness in the course this life has taken us all on, together.

May your wishes come true, happiness be a frequent visitor, and love encircle you all the days of your life.

Mommy

Acknowledgement Of Birth

This is an acknowledgement of your birth.  It does not come with love nor respect as it should have and could have; as you never worked for or desired either. Your birth is acknowledged as a way to affirm that you were here and I am witness and one of many victims to that truth.

I review your life's work and see a course that was charted and sailed and in it's careless wake, left behind wounded and changed individuals. When you vow to love another human being and then create new life with them that is a sacred and cherished responsibility. You shirked that obligation with 4 women and 6 children.

The fact that you treated the women in your life so callously and disposed of them like a snake sheds their skin, without thought or directive, but simply because it was time and you grew out of their usefullness to you is the first layer in your coat of shame.

It is the children, the six individuals you sired and abandoned at will when you deemed it time to move on that I am speaking for today.  To not be acknowledged or recognized is one of the harshest acts you can inflict upon another human being - but to do this to your own child is akin to any verbal or physical abuse you could unleash onto them; to not deem a person worthy of taking up the space of a single thought in your mind while years unwind and you go on living in your bloated bubble of self absorbtion is inconceivable to me.

I remember the day like it was this morn; we all gathered in the kitchen and she said "Your father is going away for a very long time; give him a hug and a kiss goodbye."  The pain was searing and immediate, filling my body from the ground to my head, like hot lava rising up to see sky above.  There were questions, and pleas, and 3 clinging children needing to know why, desparate for answers that were not to be had from any adult in the room.  You seemed quite resigned and solid in this last act, there were no tears or words of softness to dull the ache, just biding your time to re-chart the course.

I came home from school thinking this was not the truth, you would be there and all would be restored to normal.  I sat on the floor by the screen door, crying your title over and over, willing "Daddy" to come home.  When she could stand it no more, she walked up behind me and with hate in her heart and poison on her tounge she icily stated "You can stop your crying; he is never coming back.".  She did not lie.

Your collateral damage was human in nature and you left a stain upon each of us that altered our individual destinies.  I see it from a child's perspective and now from a parent's, both views can not comprehend how one person could make the same choices with the same results repeatedly and not feel any remorse whatsoever.

I didn't have my children a week's time in my possession before I knew in my deepest fiber of self awareness that I would do anything for their safekeeping and well being; yet you left children from ages 4 - 13 during your lifetime with the obligation one reserves for a spec of dirt on your coat; something to be flicked away and never seen again.

It is my hope and prayer that justice is served in the next phase of our journey.  In my mind, a person who never sought or asked forgiveness to those they wronged on this earth will be in a holding status; not permitted to move forward until you right the wrongs of those you trespassed upon in his lifetime. In my mind you will validate the people you damaged. 

At this time I do not forgive you, but I choose to be unlike you in everyway.  I learned my lesson well and unlike you, I will acknowledge your existance, and in that act I hold you accountable for what you have done. 

And so you were born.

Do you believe in Fairies?

A beautiful fairy princess visited me this evening.  She had shiney dark hair adorned with pink ribbons, a crystal encrusted pink tutu, feathered high heel shoes, (which she politely removed out of respect for my no shoes on the bed policy) and a silver magic wand, I required no further proof.

I've spotted her before, but she is shy and very quick to fly away.  Tonight, for the first time she seemed interested in lingering and letting me enjoy her company.

Every Fairy has a story and a special talent to share with us.  This fairy had many sad circumstances to overcome, she was shy and hesitant to trust people, and easily slipped into her safe place if people came too close.

She has been trying very hard to learn to trust and open up to people and let her inner beauty shine through.

Little by little, day by day, she has let her guard down.  She is beginning to understand that hope is all around her and she is encircled by love and devotion.  She is letting herself bloom to those around her.

But now that she has earned her wings, she is ready to take off and soar towards all of life's greatest possibilities.

Her hard work and dedication to overcome her hard beginnings, is rewarded with her ability to share her gift with all whom she encounters, her Fairy Talent is that of compassion and understanding and the willingness to share that with others.

This is her F.I.T (Fairy in Training), he is a hot mess, but she is willing to take on the challenge.

Training him properly will be an uphill battle, and it is sobering to think about.

But she is optimistic, despite him being a "GLORY HOG",  that she can transition another Fairy to shine their special light onto this world.

The moral of this tale is a simple one;

The greatest lesson you will ever learn; is just to love and be loved in return."

Descent in Suspension

This slide was huge and you had to climb up steep rope steps to get to the top.

Challenging obstacle course made it hard to get to the slide at the end; this was about round 5.

Mini sibling throw down - after he helped her in.

A successful finish to his latest "hurdle".

Falling.  I have been free falling emotionally for quite a while now; my life lately seems to be designed by a track and field star whose expertise is hurdles.  I look behind me and into the distance ahead and see row after row of hurdles.  Some huge and daunting and some small and annoying but very few breaks in between them.

 Even the strongest of athletes gets tired and grows weary of the challege of the event and takes some time off to regroup and come back stronger and more devoted to their sport than before or perhaps they change course altogether and retire from that tried and true road to discover something different, easier, more achievable for this stage of their life.

Health is like a long time friend who you take for granted will always be there steady as an old oak tree; but sometimes when we least expect it, that friend is no longer quite so reliable nor steady.  You realize that as with most things in life the things that make it sweet can quickly be taken away and leave in its' path a void that you never dreamed would be so large or dark.

I feel like an over-aged fighter in the ring getting pummeled and repeatedly knocked to the ground struggling to get up again and again, when everything inside of you that once insisted you keep fighting and never give up is suddenly crying to lay down and just let it be.

Is there shame in surrender?  I used to think so, but maybe giving yourself permission to give in to exchanging yesterdays goals for simpler aspirations with grace today isn't really surrendering but submitting to a fate that was always stronger than your desires to begin with. Is the wisdom of aging  learning to compromise what you want for what you have and be at peace with that?

Sometimes I wonder why I was blessed with my children at the stage of life I am at with the hurdles I have in front of me, and I can see the reasoning of the powers that be, that maybe this part of my life's journey would require assistance and understanding from a relationship that did not exist in my life prior to my children.  They are here to redirect my old goals and help me accept with grace new aspirations for where this life leads me. 

I will lay down for a moment and think about where I have been and where I am going, I will get up again, but instead of fighting my opponent, I will embrace them and call a moment of truce.  I have new roads to explore and a revised set of aspirations for this chapter of life, which now includes two new guides to help me stay the course.

I can even venture to say that without my two new class mates in this school of life I may not have granted myself this personal hall pass to take a moment to breathe, process, accept what challenges lay before me and have the desire to get back to see what the lesson plan is for today.

Happy just to be...

Enjoying what is placed before you.

The joy comes in sharing the experience with one you love.

Happy Valentines Day to all the Lover's of Life and it's many twists and turns.