Gotcha Day x 2

Happy "Gotcha Day" Aubriana

I am stunned that it has been two years since you were placed into my arms and took your proper space in my heart which had a portion reserved just for you since my creation.

My love for you was planted before I ever saw your face or felt your soft skin against mine.  I always knew I wanted to mother a daughter, when the winding road to you was finally complete everything made sense to me.

As we celebrated this weekend, and went out to eat, you are now old enough to repeat Happy Gotcha Day!  You smiled as they handed you a special flower and sang a song in Italian just for you, you blew out the candle and made a wish; and suddenly I was overcome with... sadness.

Sadness for you, because for me, "Gotcha Day" was an amazing, wonderful, dream come true but for you it is not as positively charged. I realized that this window in your life, before you start to fully comprehend what it means to have a Gotcha Day, is quickly closing. 

The time will come when you understand in order to have a Gotcha Day there had to be an "abandonment day" and all that implies; and I know how devastating that will be for you to come to terms with.

As a parent, it is my duty to support my children through the good times and the bad; loving you is so natural and easy it just feels like it was always meant to be this way; but I know you will have questions of who were they, what if I had stayed, where are they now, why me...I don't have the answers to those questions, and probably never will, and for that I am sad and sorry.

This is what I "know":

"They" were people, who delivered a precious gift.

Without you, our family circle would not be complete.

I wish them peace and serentity in their decision, and gratitude for opening the doorway for me to reach you.

It simply had to be you, because my heart tells me so.

I'm so grateful everyday for the blessing of you and your brother.  In my selfish thoughts, I wouldn't have it any other way.  I hope that a lifetime of love and devotion to you will ease the burden of those questions and you will find happiness in the course this life has taken us all on, together.

May your wishes come true, happiness be a frequent visitor, and love encircle you all the days of your life.

Mommy

Acknowledgement Of Birth

This is an acknowledgement of your birth.  It does not come with love nor respect as it should have and could have; as you never worked for or desired either. Your birth is acknowledged as a way to affirm that you were here and I am witness and one of many victims to that truth.

I review your life's work and see a course that was charted and sailed and in it's careless wake, left behind wounded and changed individuals. When you vow to love another human being and then create new life with them that is a sacred and cherished responsibility. You shirked that obligation with 4 women and 6 children.

The fact that you treated the women in your life so callously and disposed of them like a snake sheds their skin, without thought or directive, but simply because it was time and you grew out of their usefullness to you is the first layer in your coat of shame.

It is the children, the six individuals you sired and abandoned at will when you deemed it time to move on that I am speaking for today.  To not be acknowledged or recognized is one of the harshest acts you can inflict upon another human being - but to do this to your own child is akin to any verbal or physical abuse you could unleash onto them; to not deem a person worthy of taking up the space of a single thought in your mind while years unwind and you go on living in your bloated bubble of self absorbtion is inconceivable to me.

I remember the day like it was this morn; we all gathered in the kitchen and she said "Your father is going away for a very long time; give him a hug and a kiss goodbye."  The pain was searing and immediate, filling my body from the ground to my head, like hot lava rising up to see sky above.  There were questions, and pleas, and 3 clinging children needing to know why, desparate for answers that were not to be had from any adult in the room.  You seemed quite resigned and solid in this last act, there were no tears or words of softness to dull the ache, just biding your time to re-chart the course.

I came home from school thinking this was not the truth, you would be there and all would be restored to normal.  I sat on the floor by the screen door, crying your title over and over, willing "Daddy" to come home.  When she could stand it no more, she walked up behind me and with hate in her heart and poison on her tounge she icily stated "You can stop your crying; he is never coming back.".  She did not lie.

Your collateral damage was human in nature and you left a stain upon each of us that altered our individual destinies.  I see it from a child's perspective and now from a parent's, both views can not comprehend how one person could make the same choices with the same results repeatedly and not feel any remorse whatsoever.

I didn't have my children a week's time in my possession before I knew in my deepest fiber of self awareness that I would do anything for their safekeeping and well being; yet you left children from ages 4 - 13 during your lifetime with the obligation one reserves for a spec of dirt on your coat; something to be flicked away and never seen again.

It is my hope and prayer that justice is served in the next phase of our journey.  In my mind, a person who never sought or asked forgiveness to those they wronged on this earth will be in a holding status; not permitted to move forward until you right the wrongs of those you trespassed upon in his lifetime. In my mind you will validate the people you damaged. 

At this time I do not forgive you, but I choose to be unlike you in everyway.  I learned my lesson well and unlike you, I will acknowledge your existance, and in that act I hold you accountable for what you have done. 

And so you were born.

Do you believe in Fairies?

A beautiful fairy princess visited me this evening.  She had shiney dark hair adorned with pink ribbons, a crystal encrusted pink tutu, feathered high heel shoes, (which she politely removed out of respect for my no shoes on the bed policy) and a silver magic wand, I required no further proof.

I've spotted her before, but she is shy and very quick to fly away.  Tonight, for the first time she seemed interested in lingering and letting me enjoy her company.

Every Fairy has a story and a special talent to share with us.  This fairy had many sad circumstances to overcome, she was shy and hesitant to trust people, and easily slipped into her safe place if people came too close.

She has been trying very hard to learn to trust and open up to people and let her inner beauty shine through.

Little by little, day by day, she has let her guard down.  She is beginning to understand that hope is all around her and she is encircled by love and devotion.  She is letting herself bloom to those around her.

But now that she has earned her wings, she is ready to take off and soar towards all of life's greatest possibilities.

Her hard work and dedication to overcome her hard beginnings, is rewarded with her ability to share her gift with all whom she encounters, her Fairy Talent is that of compassion and understanding and the willingness to share that with others.

This is her F.I.T (Fairy in Training), he is a hot mess, but she is willing to take on the challenge.

Training him properly will be an uphill battle, and it is sobering to think about.

But she is optimistic, despite him being a "GLORY HOG",  that she can transition another Fairy to shine their special light onto this world.

The moral of this tale is a simple one;

The greatest lesson you will ever learn; is just to love and be loved in return."

Descent in Suspension

This slide was huge and you had to climb up steep rope steps to get to the top.

Challenging obstacle course made it hard to get to the slide at the end; this was about round 5.

Mini sibling throw down - after he helped her in.

A successful finish to his latest "hurdle".

Falling.  I have been free falling emotionally for quite a while now; my life lately seems to be designed by a track and field star whose expertise is hurdles.  I look behind me and into the distance ahead and see row after row of hurdles.  Some huge and daunting and some small and annoying but very few breaks in between them.

 Even the strongest of athletes gets tired and grows weary of the challege of the event and takes some time off to regroup and come back stronger and more devoted to their sport than before or perhaps they change course altogether and retire from that tried and true road to discover something different, easier, more achievable for this stage of their life.

Health is like a long time friend who you take for granted will always be there steady as an old oak tree; but sometimes when we least expect it, that friend is no longer quite so reliable nor steady.  You realize that as with most things in life the things that make it sweet can quickly be taken away and leave in its' path a void that you never dreamed would be so large or dark.

I feel like an over-aged fighter in the ring getting pummeled and repeatedly knocked to the ground struggling to get up again and again, when everything inside of you that once insisted you keep fighting and never give up is suddenly crying to lay down and just let it be.

Is there shame in surrender?  I used to think so, but maybe giving yourself permission to give in to exchanging yesterdays goals for simpler aspirations with grace today isn't really surrendering but submitting to a fate that was always stronger than your desires to begin with. Is the wisdom of aging  learning to compromise what you want for what you have and be at peace with that?

Sometimes I wonder why I was blessed with my children at the stage of life I am at with the hurdles I have in front of me, and I can see the reasoning of the powers that be, that maybe this part of my life's journey would require assistance and understanding from a relationship that did not exist in my life prior to my children.  They are here to redirect my old goals and help me accept with grace new aspirations for where this life leads me. 

I will lay down for a moment and think about where I have been and where I am going, I will get up again, but instead of fighting my opponent, I will embrace them and call a moment of truce.  I have new roads to explore and a revised set of aspirations for this chapter of life, which now includes two new guides to help me stay the course.

I can even venture to say that without my two new class mates in this school of life I may not have granted myself this personal hall pass to take a moment to breathe, process, accept what challenges lay before me and have the desire to get back to see what the lesson plan is for today.

Happy just to be...

Enjoying what is placed before you.

The joy comes in sharing the experience with one you love.

Happy Valentines Day to all the Lover's of Life and it's many twists and turns.

Classic Blog-o-vision

This is one of my favorite posts from Mother's Day 2007 while my friends and I were waiting for our China daughters, and I thought I would dust it off and re-present it to those of you who may not have had a chance to read it the first time around.

BOUNCE HOUSE DEVOURS WOMAN - FILM AT ELEVEN

What started out as a lovely day to be spent with friends and celebrating a delightful little girls 4th birthday evolved into a day filled with heavy breathing, nausea, embarrassment, shame, discomfort and looking into the eyes of death and all mixed for some odd reason with uncontrollable fits of laughter.

Not the good type of laughter where you giggle and move on...this is the kind of laughter that grips you so tight your entire insides clench up and you physically cannot breathe - where you mouth the words STOP IT...I CAN"T TAKE IT ANYMORE...but no one can (or they choose not to) hear you.

My warning to all who read this is simple: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES attempt to or actually enter a "BOUNCE HOUSE", these innocent-looking castles of air....seem so simple and fun loving...but they are Lucifer in-rubber; primary colors beckoning you to enter for a little fun and carefree abandon. But once inside, the evil is released and death comes a-knocking.

It all started when the "cool kids" shouted my name...".Valerie, come inside with us, we'll take a picture; come on "it's fun" (I've had more fun at a colonoscopy exam).

Let me preface this tale with the fact that the party had broken up and there were but a few stragglers left behind, including the infamous "M-3 Posse", which I now believe stands for Masochists, Morons and Maniacs. It had rained and the bounce house was wet and all but empty. The girls and, when I say girls, I mean full grown women who would usually be sipping iced teas and exchanging recipes, decided to find their inner child and enter what I now refer to as the House of Doom.

I must say watching them attempt entry was very comical from the outsiders perspective. It was easy to watch and giggle at the antics of Robyn the Radical and Crazy Christie. The view of them just entering thru the trap door (for that is truly what it is) was worth the price of admission; I even remember thinking to myself..."that is something I WOULD NEVER DO" (You will see later that this follows a long pattern of lying to myself, i.e., the Farrah wings I sported were still cool in 1994, nobody will notice my two different colored shoes, I haven't gained weight, my clothes just shrunk)! Anyway, I digress, they were screaming and carrying on and started to call my name; now usually when a bunch of crazies calls to me, I just ignore them...but this day was different, because the call of their voices was being driven by the evil power of the "House of Doom"....that evil within made their mad requests seem fun, inviting, and enticing, so I kicked off my shoes and walked toward the "House of Doom".

The classic Angel/Devil debate was going on in my unclear head as I approached the inflated balloon of death.

ANGEL: Where are you going...didn't you see the position you have to assume to enter the balloon of death? People will see you, there are many witnesses; many with cameras just waiting for an opportunity to catch you in a very unflattering and compromising position. Turn back NOW!

DEVIL: Go on, don't be so uptight, they did it, no one said anything about that...it'll be fun. Don't be an old fuddy duddy.

I ignored the warning of common sense, thinking, "What is the worst thing that will happen?" It's just a bouncy house, children love them; they represent youth and carefree days of yore. I chose not to hear the theme song from "DEAD MAN WALKING" as I approached the "House of Doom".

You would think that the fact that upon arrival I had to mount this big wet foam block thing on my knees in white pants, lift up a flap and then crawl under a net would have disuaded me, especially when I knew full well the view I was going to be presenting to all those unfortunate people behind me. I have to be honest here - my days of being called "twiggy, slim and beanpole" are far behind me. I left them back somewhere in the early to mid nineties when I was still trying to pull off the Farrah Fawcett wings. Those days have been replaced with words like Big and Beautiful, Just My Size, Women's Department, Full Figured, and Extra, Extra Curvy.

So I proceeded towards the Temple of Satan. Upon approach I can hear the debate of good and evil once again:

ANGEL: Just peek inside, point to your white pants and tell them they're nuts!

DEVIL: You've come this far, don't be a coward! Get in there; they did it...come on WUSS!

Well, nobody calls me a wuss. So, I attempt to gain entry into Satan's Den. 1st attempt: I slide down the HUGE WET FOAM BLOCK...WTF! This didn't look that hard before. 2nd attempt: I slide down the HUGE WET FOAM BLOCK...WTF...how hard is it to climb into a hole? 3rd attempt: I slide down the HUGE WET FOAM BLOCK...WTF. Now this is a point of pride....I'm going to get my full figured ass in there if it KILLS me. (Which you will see later, it almost did).

Finally, I somehow manage to claw my way into the Belly of the Beast. The first thing that struck me is that this was a huge mistake because once inside I notice there are 2 little children jumping in youthful abandon and oblivious that they are encased in evil along with my "friends". I was greeted with the vision of Radical Robyn on all fours, doggie style if you will, and Crazy Christie steadying herself near the sidewall made of netting and laughing uncontrollably and screaming for Robyn to get up. Meanwhile, Robyn seemed incapable of talking, but I think she was motioning for me to get down doggie style with her, which a prudish upbringing forbid me from doing. I knew I had to stand up quickly and make my way to the wall if I had any chance of holding onto my dignity. I thought Crazy Christie had the right idea, and knew I had to somehow steady myself along the "wall" which is simply netting...that same stuff used in your trunk to keep your milk from rolling around.

The first thing that came to my mind as I stood up was how quickly I was aware of everything I had eaten earlier in the day; it seemed to be floating in my stomach looking for an escape hatch. The second thing I remember was looking at the tattoos on Robyn's feet and marveling at how much they were moving almost like they were lifting up from the skin where they were attached. The third thing I noticed was that the children weighing in at a combined weight of probably 75 lbs. were creating a G-force in Lucifer's Lounge that was really irritating me.

I made it over to the "wall" which is funny when you think of it because a wall would give one the impression that there is stability and safety and protection to be found there. The truth is, this netting was really a web of morbidity, and once you came into contact with it, the entire structure is designed to give way like a house of cards.

I think I must have "leaned" upon the web for about 2/10ths of a second before I was encompassed in a sea of primary colors...RED/YELLOW/BLUE, and I think I saw a glimpse of Nemo, but can't be sure as I sunk into the depths of hell on earth. Apparently, and this is just my opinion, the "walls" are connected to the floor and if a person larger than an 8 year old takes down the wall, the entire structure will collapse upon itself. I noted that the roof was suddenly on me and not 10 feet above my head.

I was soaked from a fluid I can only surmise was the grim reaper's bile and I saw my life flash before my eyes... I thought "This is not how I thought it would end, not encased in a rubber tomb drowning and suffocating all at once". I didn't think my body was capable of obtaining the flexibility and contortionist moves required; my feet aren't that high above my head in the gynecologist's office.

I begged for some sort of help...desperate like drowning people are. My "friends" Robyn and Christie, were nowhere to be found I could only hear their laughter as I fought for dear life. The larger, older child tried to walk my way, but I knew there was no way in hell she could possibly pull me out. But I had the forethought to think "grab her in here with you...maybe then someone will help and at least you won't go alone!" I could see her eyes register the futility of her errand and she stayed just out of my reach.

To this day, I don't know how I righted myself, but somehow my will to live another day allowed me to belly my way up the "roof" onto the floor and the air started to re-circulate. At this point I was like Britney Spears in a rehab center: "I JUST WANTED OUT". I made my way to one of the corner pillars and couldn't decide if the wetness on my pants was rain water or urine and didn't much care.

I made my way back to the place where I had entered from. I could smell freedom and taste it in my mouth, but the fallen angel had other plans for me. You see, somehow, after my trauma from a mere 4 minutes before, I somehow forgot that I was not supposed to lean on the net wall. As I approached the trap door, I planned to back out and did so by presenting myself ass first to the entrance point and proceeded to grab the "net wall". Well, I hope you enjoy re-runs, because the exact same thing happened all over again. RED/YELLOW/BLUE/NEMO, bring the house down, fluid everywhere, laughter from Crazy Christie and Radical Robyn, feet up thinking "You can't escape your destiny" when I felt my opal earring get ripped from my ear. Well, do what you will with me, but keep your mitts off of my jewelry!

It was a split second decision. Rise up and get some life sustaining air or push the bloated rubber aside and go back for your family jewels. If you know me, and I think you do, I went back and reclaimed my earring, grappled my way back up the roof/wall/floor thingy and birthed myself from the doors of purgatory and deposited my big, beautiful butt directly onto the lawn.

Did I mention that the entire time this was going, on the party paparazzi were there snapping pictures!!! Robyn's husband (and I believe first cousin) took this opportunity to make a "snuff" film.

I will most likely post some pictures here, as I am sure my "friends" will already have them up on their sites so I might as well steal their thunder.

I escaped with a little less dignity and a new-found respect for the extreme sport of the Bouncy House.

Happy Mother's Day....and to Robyn and Christie, you know what kind of MOTHER'S I think you are!!!

Welcome, Come on in "friend"

Holding onto the "Pillar Of Strength" (not)

First Down "Penalty"

Caualties, Robyn and Christie (you reap what you sew)

It was much more traumatic from the inside.

First time shame on you,  second time shame on me.

Erin, aka "The Afterbirth Position"