Sleep, come find me and lie beside me and soothe my weary soul

If I had to account for how and where I spend my time,  I couldn't reliably tell you in all honesty. 
I just know suffering from insomnia has taken the meaning of time and turned it upside down.  I spend my days trying to catch up on sleep that was not captured during the moonlit hours of night time.

It creates a feeling of craziness, of not being normal.  The Internet has become a companion and an enemy of sorts.  It gives me something to occupy those long dark nights where the noises you hear always seem more ominous than in the light of day; at it's best,it is an uninterested companion.

I no longer see my friends or neighbors, as I am so exhausted by sunrise, I sequester myself to a falsely darkened room and spend my days in fitful sprints of sleep; awakened repeatedly by deliveries, phone calls, and Life in general. 

It seems like a punishment, but I have yet to figure out what  crime I have committed that the penalty is to virtually be removed from society and normalcy. I am trying to make use of this time to self evaluate and review what life has to offer in the midst of all this solitude.  Self reflection has not rewarded me with many answers to these queries.

I am a person who hates waste, particularly of things that are finite and irreplaceable.  How ironic that years of my life have been swept away chasing sleep and renewal of energy and hope.

Perhaps this is a gift in disguise, as is often the case when we have burdens assigned to us.  I have no doubt when I find the solution to my problem it will cease to exist because I found the meaning in the challenge.

Until that time, I bid you a truly "good" night.

What you say?

My son, "Lil Dude" is a 35 year old man trapped in the body of a large 3 1/2 year old.

Out of his mouth come the most profound and wise statements. Some are lines out of movies or television shows, some are original thoughts, but he uses them in context and with the perfect inflection as if he has been here, done that, seen this and heard it all  before.

I promised myself I would write them down, but I can't keep up; and he is so prolific that as soon as he says one that makes me laugh out loud another is on the way and pushes the first right out of my memory.

Here are some more recent quotes:

"Mommy, if our love is strong, nothing will separate us,"

After monopolizing the dinner conversation for 20 minutes telling us about his day at pre-school, his father asked a simple question and Lil Dude responded: "Daddy, please be quiet and eat your dinner."

Sunday we were rained in. The day was spent eating a big brunch, watching cartoons, napping, a big dinner, bath, and ice cream with his sister back in front of the tv. "He looked intently at his sister and declared "Aubriana, wasn't this the perfect day?"

After hitting his head on a hanging lamp fixture:

"Ouch, that was unusual"

Upon seeing his new climbing dome which requires 135 nuts and bolts to hold it together.  "Daddy put it together now, how hard can it be?"

I switch the wallpaper on my computer to a different picture of my kids every week. This particular week it was a picture of Aubriana.  I walked up to "Lil Dude" who was standing at the computer staring at the screen and asked him if he wanted me to put on a game, his reply: "In a minute, come look at this picture of your wonderful daughter!"

 I love you K-man. Thank you for filling my days with insight and laughter.

P.S.  We dressed up to celebrate The Royal Wedding of Will and Kate - ninja wear and spider man simply wouldn't do.

3 Years Ago Today

Three Years Ago Today - April 24, 2008

I had an angel placed into my arms and in that moment she claimed her proper place in my heart as my beloved daughter. 

This was no stranger,  my soul recognized her instantly, we were always meant to be together,  the spot in my heart, which belonged to her and only her, swelled to contain the overflowing love which surged in when I held her close. 

I nuzzled her ear and whispered, it's me, Mommy, we're together now - everything is going to be alright.

Her face is beauty personified, her laughter tickles me, her willingness to help and desire to stay close warms me. I am in awe of her.

 I thank G*d for the gift of her everyday and night.  She is my angel from heaven.

  

Today, as we celebrate the third annniversary of being united half way around the world I look ahead to a lifetime of milestones achieved and spent together. Thank you for the gift of being my daughter.

With all of my love and affection,

Mommy

Photographers Everywhere - I applaud thee.

Is it already Springtime 2011?  Life has been laden with unexpected and long visiting struggles lately and many things have been neglected or re-prioritized, I may be down, but I'm not beaten and here are some pictures to catch you up to speed.

Everyone in the kid's class seems to be celebrating a birthday.  We had two parties at the same place, for girls with the same name in two weeks.

I am surrounded by blogger friends who are amazing photographers, I am not a member of that elite group, I admire them from afar.  If I remember to bring a camera, and actually pull it out to use it, that is a rare and happy occasion.

I don't know how to edit, light, focus, crop or any of the other key terms used in photography.  I have never read the directions for any camera I purchased.  Point and shoot or get out.

This explains the plethora of horrific photos taking up space in my computer's memory.

Than factor in the uncooperative brood I co-habitate with.  The youngest two who have created a family tradition of disrobing the moment their feet enter the home after a long day of being clothed at school.

Most of their time at home is spent in various states of undress.

On this evening, the only poses they would agree to were with eyes closed and mouths open.  Funny,that is the exact opposite of what I was requesting.

I did have a moment of inspiration, where I invited Aubriana to get dressed up and have a mini private photo shoot.

 My main problem was an invisable prop failure, she asked for lipgloss and some lipstick, but her body had an instant reaction to the applied substance and as you can see in virtually every shot, her lips (of their own accord) responded to the extra "weight" of said product as if they had been injected with Angelina Jolie DNA or suctioned into a 4th dimension. 

She looks like she smelled something, and not in a pleasent way.

I pleaded with her to retract them inwards.

Then, ths joker arrived on the scene, uninvited and apparently unaware of the dress code.  Nothing like a little opposite composition to keep it interesting.

"What part of get out of the shot" does he not understand?

At least his eyes are open and his lips look normal.  I'll work with what I've got.

  

Party part deux, they were even both "Dora" themed.

Buried in plastic, substitue the balls for credit cards and that's my story.

Zip line fun.

Guess who wanted lipstick and gloss for the party?

Enjoy the beauty of spring, if you can't capture it with a camera, at least commit it to memory.  Happy Spring Everyone.

I honestly love you....

Do any of us escape childhood unscarred?  I came out of mine weary, leary, untrustful of those who would declare their love for me.  When you are disillusioned and disappointed by those who are supposed to be your champions of love and security, weather it be guardian or parent,  it doesn't bode well for the random strangers you come across in the real world to get a fair opportunity to earn your affection.

That is why I am continually amazed, on an almost daily basis, by the depth  of emotion and true love I have for each of my children; somehow, they have awakend my guarded heart.

We are currently going through a "cuddle stage", where each will announce, invite, declare or demand to hop into bed and be snuggled with;  I NEVER say no.  I realize this is a phase that has the life span of a fresh cut flower, it's time with me will be sweet but too short.

I let my hands soothe and tickle them from their heads to their toes, I run my fingers through their baby fine hair and I kiss them until they laugh for mercy.  I drink in their sweet scent and try to overload my senses with the essence of them...for this time is fleeting and I don't want to forget the way I feel with them snuggled up close to me allowing me to adore them.  This is how it should feel to be loved and wanted, they deserve to know this feeling and take it with them in future relationships. 

I  may be very greedy in my need for these feelings, I am making up for what I didn't receive enough of in my own childhood, but in these brief and wonderous moments there is no past or future, there is only now and I want us to take our fill of this exchange of warmth, affection, acceptance and appreciation for being exactly who we are and it being  just what each of us needs.

For my two little Valentines, thank you for bringing pure love into my life.

xoxo  Mommy