Where Is The Love?

It has been 9 weeks since you started pre-school.  In those first few days, you would cry as we dropped you off, clinging to my neck or leg and pleading with me not to go.  When I would disengage myself from your chubby little hands and kiss that tear stained face for our final good-bye, I had to will the tears to keep from flowing out of my own eyes.  You would then immediately seek out your sister and two of you would cry and hold one another while we walked away.

This behavior went on for the first week and every Monday for an additional 2 weeks thereafter.

For a little over 2 weeks when I picked you up and would ask "What did you do today", you would report sadly "I cried" and "Sissie cry too".  My poor heart was cut with each admission of your sadness.

But the bright spot in all of those days was picking you up in the afternoon: I would eagerly walk towards your classroom to watch you both unobserved through the classroom window.  You were always with one another and so immersed in whatever task held your interest at that moment; but the second the door opened you would both swing your heads around with anticipation and scream Mommy/Daddy and come running to us with such enthusiasm the sad heart from the morning would sing with joy to be greeted with so much love.

Then there was yesterday.  We arrived at your classroom and opened the door, there were no tears, no regrets, neither of you looked back in our direction, but you, Lil Dude, you went running with open arms to your teacher and gave her a giant hug and Aubriana went to find a book.  I waved bye bye and blew you a kiss.  I gave a half hearted smile towards your teacher and wondered if she could feel the ice behind my stare?

I convinced myself, this was good, you were forming bonds with others and felt comfortable here. I looked forward to picking you up from school all day and when it was time, I went to the window to gaze at you both once again.  You were playing in different areas, no longer needing to be within each others grasp, completely engaged in your individual activities.  We opened the door, and Aubriana looked up and smiled and showed me her magnetic blocks.  Lil Dude never bothered to lift his head to even see who had entered the room; clearly, he wasn't expecting anybody.  I waited in the doorway for someone to notice me, I walked over to Aubriana and touched her blocks and hugged her shoulder.  I kissed her head and said "Hi princess"; Lil Dude was still oblivious to our prescence, so I said his name out loud and he turned and looked at me for a second and looked back at the toy in his hand.

Is it just naturally part of human nature to take those who love us and treat us better than any other people on the planet for granted?  My deepest sorrows come from people who were by birth or choice in my life because we loved one another.  Once we allow someone into our lives and to share our love with them we in exchange give them great power to wound us with that love.

To love a child is to commit to someone that is constantly in a state of change, they are different people from morning to nightfall.  Evolving before our very eyes at such a speed, it is hard to describe their personalitites and character traits from one week to the next. 

I never knew becoming a mother would involve so much sadness, disappointment and hurt feelings.  I have never loved anyone with this much loyalty and devotion, my expectations were it would be exchanged in a circle; but I am learning that my love flows out straight to my children and is non-stop in it's purposeful direction.  Their love ebbs and flows it's way back to me. When it washes over me, it lifts me up and bathes me in warmth, when the tide is low I selfishly want that feeling again. 

I often feel that being a mother is a greater learning experience for me than growing up is for my children.
Unfulfilled expectations are a direct route to disappointment.  I must teach and live that giving for giving's sake is a gift in and of itself.  If love comes full circle, than you have been twice blessed.

My apologies to Miss Sandra for the icey stare.

Another Year Cometh and I recall The Old Chinese Lady

Many years ago I was leaving a beauty salon after having my hair cut.  I found myself behind a very elderly little Chinese lady hunched over, as if gravity was pushing and pulling on her at the same time; she was wearing black baggy pants and an asian overdress accompanied by very tattered slippers.  She shuffled along so slowly, like a tortise in the sand but I did not want to insult the lady by overtaking her; respect for her age and the fact that I was in no hurry allowed me to pause and take my proper place behind her.

I had plenty of time to notice her thinning gray hair in an unkempt bun, her arthritic fingers grasping the walker she clung to, the long yellowish nails.  I thought to myself, I bet she was once a great beauty and the picture of grace and femininity. 

As I pondered these thoughts to myself, wondering how we go from young and beautiful to old and unnoticable....I was interrupted by two of my senses.  One being the sense of sound intruding upon my meandering thoughts to try to decipher what was causing the muffled rumblings I was hearing in a very distinctive rhythm.  These harmonic discords coincided perfectly with the shuffle of the lady in front of me.  The second sense to tap into my mind was that of smell, specifically the offensive odor of the expulsion of bodily gases. 

The sweet, aged creature to my bow was a one man band of sound and smell and any kind thoughts I had of her quickly were erased and replaced with the survival instinct to exit immmediately stage left.
I quickly found my escape route from the establishment, my thoughts turned to how do we get to that point in our lives where our age allows us to break all social rules and just let it all hang out?

What freedom to no longer worry or fuss about our hair, or clothing.  If your body needs to do something, anything,  you either have no choice about it or no longer care about impressing anyone, anywhere.  You are long past trying to capture a mate, find a friend, or secure steady employment. 

I decided right then and there, that I would not fight the life cycle when it delivered me to that point in time.  That is not exactly the next stop on my journey, but when that time comes, I will ring the bell and exit the bus of  life with a positive attitude and embrace the gifts of being counted amongst the elderly and frail of society.

As we age we need to be kinder and more forgiving of ourselves and be realistic about our limitations both physical and mental. Therefore, with that in mind, I submit my New Years Resolutions for 2010

1) I resolve to seek out and enjoy any carbohydrate that my mind summons up as desireable.
2) I resolve to not jog/fast walk/run in any way unless someone or something is chasing me.
3) I resolve to sleep if  I am tired and not worry about cleaning up some obscure mess for guests that  never come
4) I resolve to stop and get down on the floor with my dog when I notice she looks bored and lonely. I will scratch her and baby talk her and when I grow weary of this I will extend it for another 10, 5 minutes, because this brings both of us joy and peace.
5) I resolve to laugh when the kids break things in my home (it is like getting mad that the sun rises, it happens everyday, you might as well embrace it)
6) I resolve to be happy with who I am on the inside and the outside (with the exception of coming into some big money in which case I resolve to have an extreme makeover and be happy with the new me).

I feel my expectations this year are truly attainable and look forward to seeing that this year, for the first time I actually keep all of my self promises. 

Happy New Year Everyone.

The Guarded Heart

The Guarded Heart

Hides behind a shield to muffle it's lonely cry;

if you take the time to listen and learn the reason why,

it will open wide for you, if only you will try.

The blessing of two children was bestowed upon to me

An unexpected boy and a long awaited she.

The boy with velvet eyes and a smile most disarming

So playful and so tender and always, always charming.

She came to me with loveliness as a veil that she wore;

My love for her was instant and from deep inside my core.

This child had a soul that had seen the world's trials;

the innocence of babydom had been gone for many miles.

Old soul what can I give to you that you don't already know?

Love without condition and to touch the heart you're scared to show.

But something new is rising from behind your beauty veil;

a sweetness and a trusting through this real life fairy tale.

Your eyes shine with renewed hope and a light that has a twinkle

You hold me with your gaze and in your laughter I hear a tinkle.

When I offer gentle kisses and wrap my arms around you tight;

I get back what I have given; you no longer fuss or fight.

Oh how long I have waited to walk this path with you

to watch you grow and fulfill your dreams most true.

My special little princess, my perfect Asian pearl.

Always and forever my darling chosen girl.

Love, Mother

Stop Thief

I'd like to file a report on some missing items.  Items I've long held in my possession, items that have called the same locations in the house "home" for near 7 years running.  These items are not of particular value to anyone else but me; still they are useful and serve their intended purpose well. 

Blue Hairbrush: 
This brush is nearly 2 decades old and is "thee" brush for me. I've purchased dozens but  none come close to taming my locks nor feeling so comfortable in my hands as this little brush. 

Porcelin teapot shaped tea bag holder.
When I first received this item near 5 years ago, I admit my first ungracious thought was "What the hell am I supposed to do with this? I don't drink hot tea." but I repurposed it and it has become a twice daily used part of my routine.  It has become my very fancy pill holder and safely guards the dozens of vitamins and Rx I use everyday.

Green eyeshadow cartridge and 4 Bonnie Bell fruit flavored lip gloss sticks.

Don't ask abaout the green eyeshadow it was a 90's thing, but the cartridge holds 4 units and the other three sit homeless while the housing and green cartridge are gone.  I put this with the lip gloss because they disappeard at the same time from the same drawer.

4 pens and 2 sets of wooden drumsticks:  The pens  are noticed everytime I try to write a check out at my desk and the recipients of said checks would appreciate a check that is actually signed.  A drum without drumsticks is just a sad instrument without purpose.

1/2 a banana taken from atop the dining room table.
I don't want to re-claim it to eat it, just curious where it may be.

THE USUAL SUSPECTS

Aubriana AKA "Rambling Rose" Notice the lack of eye contact.

Lil Dude AKA "Sticky Fingers Stan" Note the shifty smile and the tenative touching of the fingers.

Maggie Moo AKA "The Magster" Note the bored yawn of one who knows but will not speak.

If you've seen any of these suspects approach with caution, they are known to carry loaded diapers and the dog may or may not ride your leg in an inappropriate manner. 

Reward for all items returned in their original condition, except the banana, please dipose of properly.

Thank you for your assistance.

Vindictive Valerie

Introducing: Miss Keira Joy

The miracle of adoption has revealed itself again.  My dear friends Christie and Anton saw the face of their daughter for the first time today, after almost 4 years of waiting!

In natural labor your body tells you when to push, in adoption ,agencies and paperwork tell you when it is time.  When all is said and done, children are a blessing from G*d and the love, excitement, and joy is the same.

Anton, Christie, Quint and Keira Joy, may your blessings outnumber your troubles, the road always rise up to meet you with the wind at your back and the sun on your face and the strength of love, warmth and support that is Family be yours for always.


Love Valerie