Emergence(y)

Yawn, stretch, scratch head.....has it really been that long since my last post?  A new year is upon us and the last one is officially in the memory book.
I am personally glad to see 2011 go.  It was a long, hard, non-productive year in many ways.  It saw the continuation of my husband searching for work since the last quarter of 2010. 

It saw us go through our entire savings and retirement account.  It is humbling to know that we have nothing to fall back on; and at 60 years old, he will never be able to retire.

2011 will be the  year remembered as the one that forced me to my knees and flung me into a depression the likes of which I have never experienced.

My reaction to my life crumbling around me was to seek refuge and safety within.  I removed myself from almost everything, friends, family, society.  I retreated to a dark and solitary place where it was just me and my thoughts and there were very few real thoughts at that.

Mostly, questions of why? What had I/we done to deserve this horrible position we have slowly been sinking into.  Feeling persecuted because I had always lived a very "play it safe kind of life", I never pushed the boundaries and always tried to fly by under the radar.  I don't drink, use drugs, break the law, challenge authority, and rarely question G*d (not aggressively anyway).

Why do bad things happen to good people?  That has been my song...and yet they do, when you take the time to really look around, it is everywhere, I guess I just didn't take notice until I was one of those "chosen" people.

I entitled this post "Emergence" for that is what I feel is happening to me right now, I am emerging from a period of darkness and facing my current truth and finally trying to deal with it head on, and it wasn't until I started to question "why" in a serious manner that I understood my life was in a state of  emergence"y".  The "y/why" makes all the difference. 

All of these months of introspection have given me some insights since life challenges enrich you with wisdom and strength. 

When you are truly feeling alone and abandoned, and you are honest enough to share it with others, remarkable things begin to happen.  You realize that you are not as alone as you pre-supposed.  People you categorized as friends may or may not rise to the occasion to assist you and that is a revelation in itself. 

The beautiful surprise is people you never expected to support you come to the forefront and with an extended hand, saying  "let me help".  People heretofore not thought of as anything but acquaintances, or even complete strangers, old friends not contacted for years...saying, "I remember you, how can I help?" Community programs, never given a second thought, suddenly becoming very important to you and your family. 

I suppose I am a person who needs to experience things first hand to fully grasp them.  I admit I am a glass half-full type of person; but to my credit, when the glass was finally empty, I am opening my eyes and realizing, that sometimes you need to experience the dark loneliness to better focus on the brighter horizon ahead.

We are in the middle of our fight to save the life we once had, I am not clear if it is salvageable at this point in time, we may never reclaim what was once ours. 

I am trying to live in this moment and learn from this "life lesson", I'm sure there is a purpose to it, not yet clear to my limited vision.   The whole picture is yet to come into perspective, but I am in the process of emerging from an emergency and when one does that, you need to be grateful for whatever you are able to salvage from those unfortunate events.

Happy New Year to everyone, and may good things eventually come to each of us, even if they travel through difficulty to arrive at our doorsteps.

Forgotten Purpose



It was requested I be a "nice" witch.

Can it be true, that I've neglected updating for almost 3 months?  It is so easy to wander off the path set forth with "good intentions". 

This was supposed to be a diary of my journey to and with my children...and somehow I have gotten so caught up in the raising of my children, the documenting and memorization of them has gotten lost in the madness of everyday life.

My son continues to startle me with his deep comprehension of emotions and feelings, way beyond what a 4 year old should be able to express.  His must be a very old soul to be able to observe situations and people around him and empathize and realize potential outcomes and express sorrow, regret, and gratitude accordingly. 

A few random reportings:

While crossing the street on Halloween, Lil Dude dropped his bucket and all of his candy was suddenly on the street, as we scrambled to pick up his treasures I was thinking, this isn't good 4 people bending over in the middle of the dark street in dark clothing I hope no cars come upon us.  What I said was, "Pick it up, hurry, pick it up and let's get going."  As we finished our task and touched foot to sidewalk (and safety) he apologetically stated "I'm sorry I put us all in danger."

 Dressed as a prince and princess for their school Halloween festivities, Lil Dude looked at Aubriana admiringly and declared "Don't worry my beautiful princess,  I'll protect you from dragons and bullies at school."

Heard from the backseat:

Lil Dude:
"Mommy, did you know that G*d wants us all to be good people and that he thinks mean people are stupid?"

"Daddy, Kung Fu is not about hitting, it is to teach you to fnd out a secret about yourself"  (after watching Kung Fu Panda).

Aubriana is a quiet and thoughtful soul, her desires are not as easy to read as her brother's but her sweetness can not be denied. 

On the stairs I was tickling her before sending her up to bed, I grabbed her for one last kiss and asked "what was the best part of your day today?" to which she responded, "you being silly with me tonight." I always forget it really is the simple things that matter most.

We have a carousel that holds all of our pre-measured coffee cups and one day she was admiring it in the corner, or so I thought, the next morning I realized she had put them all in order according to brand and flavor! 

She asked me to help her get dressed in a fancy costume, with gloves, shoes, dress, the whole shebang.  Then she gently went and knocked on the door where her father was busy within and in her soft little voice, said Daddy, will you come out and dance with me and marry me, I'm all dressed up and ready for you".

I was applying full make-up on her for Halloween and as I was applying her mascara, she whispered "Mommy,  I love wearing make-up with you".

I hope my children realize, that they are at the top of my thoughts every moment in my day, and the last thing I pray about every night.  These little snippets of our times together will bring us back to one another when ever and where ever we may read them in the future.

I love my little angels who give my life so much fulfillment, meaning and joy.

Love for Love's Sake

There are so many amazing people you meet via the world of adoption. 

On the whole I would generalize them as people who have a heart with love to share and seek out a child to pour that energy into.  A way of building a family.  That is what it was for me, but as I've met more and more people, who share this road to build family and spread love, aside from the average adoptive family there are stand-out people who are more like angels living amongst us, who take it to an entirely different plane of comprehension than anything I could come up with on my own.

They are inspired, to spread love and honor God by going above and beyond the regular protocol, to rescue/protect/shelter/honor... I don't know the right word; to love without condition a damaged soul. 

To seek out the weaker beings and less obviously optimistic circumstances,  to stretch further, and dig deeper to go to a level most of us would be too timid to risk treading towards, because it carries greater risk, less security of a positive ending.

I came across this blog, and this family's story is sad and inspirational and awe inspiring and I wish I could love and relinquish expectations this freely and find hope in the darkest corner and trust that no matter what,  God  is in control, and doesn't require my worries or concerns to block what is the ultimate act of living in his image. 

To love and accept people for no other reason than you are born and that makes you worth everything in his eyes, and if you are lucky enough to cross paths with one of those angels who walk amongst us who  are here to be an example of how to live your best life to take note and absorb some of that hope and faith.

Please take a moment to visit this blog
Hope for Elisyn - A journey to heal her broken Heart and read the story of this family and the leap of faith they took to love and save this beautiful girl.

Perhaps if we gather together to lift her up in prayer, we can be part of a wondrous opportunity to bring hope and happiness to this family and brighten our own life experience by sharing our energies to lift up a family member in need.

I am so touched that people have such a capacity for giving and loving, I pray God will let her light shine long and strong here on earth before he calls
this angel home.

Hug  your loved ones extra tight, because our blessings are so much more than we comprehend.

xoxo

What do you think of me now?

Do you notice anything different?  I've gotten an extreme make-over; well not me per say, but my blog. 

My dear friend Christie, took the time out of her very busy schedule to bless me with an entirely new look and feel for my little corner of blogville. 

I am crazy for the new look and inspired to pay more attention to posting on a more consistent basis, but more than that I am so touched that she would pause her very busy life to invest her time and talent on me.

Christie is one of my benefits acquired through the world of adoption. The wait brought us together, but after we were done waiting we got busy becoming real friends and I am so grateful for her companionship, humor, understanding and friendship. 

She and her family now reside in my heart and I am so thankful to count her as a true friend.

If you want an amazing make-over for your blog go here http://bushelpeckdesigns.blogspot.com/

Happy Birthday Aubriana Rose

My sweet child, what joy you have brought to me; with your soft and gentle demeanor. 

You were born such a little lady, I am so lucky to be able to indulge

your desires in all things girlie!

 

I find it difficult  to restrain myself  in feeding your passion for fashion!

 

I never realized  how much I would be joining you on experiencing the joys
 of being a little girl, once again I live in a land of fairies and princesses
and all things possible.

Your delight in this is contagious to all of us, and who can resist a request to dance
with a princess or accompany her to the latest ball?

My little flower has slowly and surely revealed herself to have a

fun and mischievous petal or two!

 

That is where I see you taking on characteristics that I recognize as my own

 and I know nurture has complimented your nature; I truly see myself in your refection

Thank you for making my days and nights sweeter with your presence and

filling up my heart with love and beauty.

All my love and adoration,

Mommy